Furry Wombat

The katydids and crickets are loud. From the left, I hear shshshsshshsh shshshsSHSHSHSHSHSSHSHSHSHS shshshshshshshhsh, from the right chechechechchechecheCHECHECHECHECHE-CHE-CHE-CHE. Then the quieter hum of the bumblebees flying closer and then away, zzz zzzz ZZZZ zzzz. Oh! and here’s the loud, low hum of the hummingbirds zummmmm, ZUUUMMMMM with shimmery green feathers and a brilliant red chin.  And the whoo-wHOOO-whoo-whoo-whoo of the doves and the chirps of the bluejays  and chickadees. It’s been a long time since I was in an eastern forest. (oh! an indigo bunting!)  I’m on the back deck of my friends beautiful, unfinished house. There’s a tragedy here — a house that was built big for children they couldn’t conceive and a financial hangover from the effort.   But there’s salve in the low hum of life, busy with hummingbirds and katydids, and an over-ambitious gentleman’s farm with orchard and berry patch.   (There’s a goldfinch!)  Even the weedy plants are pretty — queen ann’s lace and chicory at the overgrown edge of the yard.   Up in the mountains a bit (perhaps 2000ft here?) it’s not as hot as the lowland suburbs where I grew up in northern VA.  It is humid, but not oppressive; thunderstorms are a possibility most afternoons.  There’s always a breeze.  My friend built this house with many, large of casement windows and no AC.  I sat on the couch yesterday afternoon, and it was breezy enough to imagine that I was outside if I closed my eyes.  And the butterflies!  One just alighted on the deck.

I return to my usual paradise tomorrow.

The wombat is working on a big, collaborative proposal due in a few days. She has text from the collaborators in four different departments, but it’s her job as principle wombat to make a unified whole.  The wombat has found herself a bit intimidated by the process. Today, she was tearing her fur out working on the section of another collaborator (who is senior to her and just had a Science paper come out last week). It just didn’t make sense. The wombat was feeling dejected and wondering why she was in charge of this project. She sent him a carefully crafted email explaining exactly what she didn’t understand. He replied that he would call her shortly to explain. A half hour later, the wombat received another email, “I must have had a complete brain-freeze when I wrote this section…just get rid of it. It is complete nonsense.”

The wombat was relieved!  It didn’t make any sense!  But the wombat had been intimidated into fretting for days, instead of trusting her wombatty instincts.

Silly wombat.

It’s getting dark, but the french doors are open to the lanai. The geckos chi-chi-chi-chi-chi.  I’ll have to close the doors soon for fear of flying roaches. But it’s such a pleasant temperature. A bee just flew in. She flies slowly. It’s too late and dark for bees. I can hear her wings rattling wings against the curly compact fluorescent. I turn off the inside light and turn on the outside light. Perhaps she’ll find her way out before I close the doors for the night.

Update: She was waiting to be brushed off the door jamb, then I shut the door.

I am not very good about keeping up with friends. The ones I keep are the ones with whom occasional but frank and honest contact can be maintained. The friend I mentioned a couple posts ago who is getting divorced (and who I have known for fifteen years)? We hadn’t talked in almost a year.  But I called two friends today that I hadn’t spoken to in months.  It was wonderful to catch up.
Why call now? Or, why not call before? It’s not very sensible, but I think I avoid calling when I feel unsettled or unsure of myself.  I won’t pull any punches if a friend asks me how things are going.  But I am a bit embarrassed when I don’t have things together, and embarrassment is a potent emotion for me.  (That would be 2: intersubjectivity.)

Anyway, it’s not very sensible.

Regular practice today: primary through baddha konasana, second through laghuvajrasana.  Distraction level: 3/5.  As I left, CL and her assistant were deep in conversation (with sketched diagrams!) of the differences in mula bandha between sexes.  Love the yoga nerdiness.

I did not avoid practice. I did primary today. I requested an adjustment in janu sirsanana A. I’m not sure what muscle gets released in that adjustment — lower back between sacrum and spine — but it needs it; it gets all bound up on the right side. I forsook any drama in backbends, and they were fine.  But the mind was scattered today.  I gave up rather quickly after a couple rounds of pranayama, as my brain raced on toward work and other thoughts.  It dawns on me that, perhaps, this is the time to persist (insist?), rather than bail.

No, today I avoided work. I found colleagues to chat with, I found email to respond to, I found websites that must be read. I read a page of a paper and went back to a website. I read a few more paragraphs and decided I really needed to do some online shopping.   I made it through one Nature paper.   I only point out its provenance because that means it was just 3 pages.  I have two impending deadlines, and I think this is my unconscious attempt to bail on one of them.  This is my conscious attempt to make that conscious.

“Tomorrow is another day,” the wombat declares hopefully.  “I will make a list!”

1. Write NSF proposal.
2. Write NASA proposal.

“Yes, that should do it!”  [Dusts off paws.]

Lastly, for the strigiforme reader, you might find that the Tour is more exciting than the Cup given your recent activities.

The title of today’s post is the little benediction I say to myself at the end of each practice.

I flew back from Cali today. A good visit with some honest conversation at the last minute. It’s always at the last minute — who wants to ruin a perfectly nice visit by discussing difficult things. We do have such fun together and yet we have created for ourselves a geographical impasse that we need to figure out. I am reassured that we will.  Channels of communication are back up and running and that is the most important thing. Open heart, open heart, open heart…  Even typing that, my shoulders relax.

H observed the disconnect between my compassionate, sweet, talks to animals self and my professional, competitive, social dominant self.  Perhaps one day, these selves will be better integrated but, boy, they sure can cause each other trouble.  I find it continually surprising that I have a social-dominant self.  I learned over the years to project a confidence that I didn’t necessary feel and, as a result, have mean-girl potential that I was unaware of.  When I was growing up, my initially shy but evolving social-worker mother taught assertiveness training groups.  There were books around the house called “Don’t say Yes when you want to say No”.  I wonder if the effect of this on a little girl who perhaps didn’t really need assertiveness training was to make her a little too socially dominant? Kind words, kind words, kind words….

We went to visit my folks in LA for the weekend of the 4th.  They called me a few days before because when they cut a trip short due to the sudden death of a dear friend.   They needed to be home to help their newly-widowed friend through the first few days.  This called for a visit, so we did.  And we walked on the beach! And we cooked!  We made sticky buns, Thai curry, and a patriotic sponge cake with fresh fruit and cream.  I’m glad we went.