Jangly Nerves

The nerves were jangly this morning.  I awoke several times last night, uncomfortable, a little wired.  The usual tension in the upper back seems more extreme than usual and, somehow, connected to tightness in my IT bands.  Not sure if this was from snorkeling yesterday (training undergrads), wearing 1 1/2″ heeled sandals (not very high!?!) to a community fundraiser last night, or rebound tightness from last weekend’s big bike ride, but geesh.  And I’ve been fighting a fair amount of psychic negativity, so this morning’s practice was marked by a minor emotional fall-apart in forward bends.  Ugh.  Luckily, CL has me cutting to second after the janu sirsasanas, so somewhat fewer forward bends through which to hold it together.  The body, of course, felt better after practice and a nap.   The mind is a little better too.  Interestingly, the mind is the worst in the morning.  When my eyes open from sleep, it has just two speeds: denial or overdrive.  Difficult to find the middle path out of bed and to the yoga studio, rather than stay in bed or head immediately to the desk.

H got a grant this week.  This is great news for him (his first federal grant!), and, potentially,  a big deal for us, since he applied for it thinking that he might be able to move out here with me if he got it.  He has been loathe to come out here “empty handed” — this is a pretty crappy place for him to try to work in industry, so he’ll try to find a way to hang out at the university.  News of the grant is exciting but has also made me anxious.  While H has been safely ensconced in CA, I have been daydreaming about living in Sonoma County and raising chickens*.  But if he comes here, I’ll have to try to make a real life here.  It’s not entirely clear that here is where I want to do that.  (It’s clear that here is not H’s preference.)  And, yet, here I am.  Adrift in the middle of the Pacific, with an enviable job, geckos on my windows, and ever so slightly queasy.  At the same time, I think I would be so much happier with him here!  I get cheered up just thinking about it.  It would nice to have a real life and a work life, but I’ve never had much of a chance to do that because my sweetie and my job have always been at least 400 miles apart.  Since 1996.   Just saying that makes me want to throw up my hands and raise chickens.

*Raising chickens is my code word for dropping out and growing something.  Maybe some vegetables, maybe some chickens, maybe a kid.

One Response to “Jangly Nerves”

  1. (0v0) Says:

    Huge smiles of shared feeling – frustration, humor and the rest – in reading these recent posts.

    Have an amazing trip. I’d really like to see photos of the sound. (1:4 chance I’ll swing through Victoria in late Nov – first time on the island in 30 years).